Plans

Times like these, when I'm pouring over my accounting textbook, absolutely certain that my entire life and future hinges upon my grade in this one single class and on this one single final, it's good for me to remember that the Lord has plans for me. Plans to prosper and provide for me, plans of hope and a future. It's good and hard at the same time to remember this. Good because it brings an immeasurable amount of comfort to my very soul. Hard because I want to make my Father proud, even though I know that it is my heart, not my works or my grade on a test, that forges our bond. Also bad because in my head, I know that I don't have control. I mean, I have control over this test- the amount that I study, how hard I have worked over the course of the semester. But I don't have control over the course of my life. I don't know what the future holds for me. I'm still a little kid, I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up. But I do know that the Lord has plans for me and, while I'm incredibly nervous, I know that it's going to be awesome. And tomorrow, when I walk into my accounting exam, palms sweating, that is what I want to remember, not equations or memorized formulas. My life doesn't hinge upon this test or any other test that the future brings. My life hinges upon the amazing sacrifice that Jesus made for me and, regardless of anything else that happens, that's all that matters. Thank you, God. Still. I hope I do well on this flipping test.

Humility

I've been working a lot lately on being more humble. The other day, I was trying to gauge whether or not I am succeeding when it occurred to me that...I don't really know what it means to be humble. Humility is one of those buzz words that Christians throw around as a desirable goal and a necessity to being a good person. I think that we all have images inside of our head of what humble is or someone that we perceive as being humble. Often, when I think of humility, I think about a woman (I can't even remember her name!) that Laura is friends with. After she had her baby, Laura took me with her to drop of a present for the new spawn. While there, we were talking and Laura and she began talking about baby massages. I didn't know what they were talking about so I tuned out much of the conversation. Later, in the car, I remember Laura saying to me, "She is so humble- she knows much more about [baby massages] than I do and yet she let me explain to her everything I knew and asked questions as if she didn't know any of the answers." For me, that sort of became my image of "humble" and the goal. Unfortunately, I seem to be hardwired to try and have all of the answers rather than all of the questions, which sort of collides with the goal I had in mind. But I do think that humility is important. Heck, the word's mentioned often enough in the good book that it must be something that the Big Man cares about.

Like any good student, I decided to do some research so that I can create a more tangible goal and understanding. Here's what I found:

First off, I'm not humble. That one was easy.

I chose to focus the rest of my attention primarily on the word humble because a) it's an adjective, which means that it's an acquirable trait that can be applied to a person and b) humble is actually used more often in the bible than any other form of the word.

Humble has 5 different accepted definitions:

1. Not proud or arrogant; modest
2. Having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc. 
3. Low in rank, importance, status, quality etc. 
4. Courteously respectful
5. Low in height or level; small in stature. 

Hmm. Well I am going to go ahead and discard definitions 2 and 3. Here's why: I know for a fact that God wants us to be a very best, regardless of what we're doing. He says so in 2 Corinthians 8:7: But as you excel in everything--in faith, in speech, in knowledge, and in all eagerness and in the love from us that is in you--make sure that you excel in this act of kindness too. And against in Colossians 3:23: Whatever you do, work at it with all your hear, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. So number 2 is out. God doesn't want us to be less than we can be, He wants us to be the best that we can be. We are strong through him, not insignificant. I'm throwing number 3 out for pretty much the same reason. God is blind to rank, status, and quality so I think that it's safe to say that simply by being poor or quitting my job and working as a servant, I won't automatically become humble. I'm sure that the experiences  could be humbling, but not the act or label in and of themselves.

Which leaves us with 1) Not proud or arrogant; modest; 4) courteously respectful; and, 5) low in height or level; small in statues. Well being 5'1, I'm going to say that I've got number 5 down PAT! Yahoo! So we'll go ahead and throw that one away as well (:

Not proud or arrogant; modest; and courteously respectful. These are good words. But it still doesn't feel like enough for me. I also can't believe that God threw the word into the Bible as often as He did because he was looking for someone that can be summed up in a few short words. It's a good starting point, though. Hopefully you agree because I'm going to swing at this from a slightly different direction now. I decided to go ahead and take a look at the most common contexts that the word humble is found in and, by looking at collocates, I found that humble is often associated with words like:

• servant
• quiet
• modest
• honest
• proud (as in, not)
• civic
• obedient 
• kings
• wise
• gratitude, polite, gentle, generous, apologetic, mighty, unassuming, hardworking, contrite, self effacing, meek, awed, grounded, blessed, charming, and so many, many more good, strong words. Also potato, because it can't be ignored. 

I like those words. Those words, for me, create an image. A woman that embodies those words is strong and powerful. She is wise and yet unassuming. She is modest, quiet, and obedient and also hardworking and grounded. She is contrite when she errs. She is awed by God, Jesus, and the world around her. She is blessed. She is charming and she laughs and loves and is honest. She sounds pretty amazing, right? If that's what humble is, what humble looks like, that's where I want to be. I want to be a woman that is wise and mighty and grounded; obedient and kingly.

I feel like I have a much better understanding of what humility looks like and now, when I read it in the Bible, it's a goal that actually means something to me. It's amazing and beautiful and any advice or direction that God can give me in terms of how to get there is much appreciated because I am not quite there yet (see: on the opposite side of the planet from there!).

In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

[On humility:] For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

I served the Lord with great humility and with tears and in the midst of severe testing by the plots of my Jewish opponents.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience

Ah man. Don't those just take on a whole new meaning now? They sure do for me. Humble. I've got a long journey ahead of me and I am so, so blessed that God will aid me in all of my shortcomings and walk the long walk with me.

Overall, I count this unpacking of humility a SUCCESS!

Ouch.

I just thought that I would share that I have a cut on my leg that is officially infected and poison ivy covering about 75% of my body. Yeah. Awesome Monday.

Something cool

I did something cool last night. I prayed about the future. This may seem commonplace for anyone else, but it is BIG NEWS for me. This is what I consider a BIG STEP. For real. I don't pray about the future because I want to think that I'm in control of the future. Refer to previous posts and recognize that this is something that I'm working on. BUT-last night, without really even thinking about it, I asked God what His opinion was. Not only that, but He was the first person that I asked! So far, I'm waiting for answers. I'm trying to open my eyes so that when He answers I'll recognize it. Even if He doesn't answer the way that I want Him to, I think that I'll still do it again.

 I'm happy. It's been awhile since I felt anything but blank, so happy is a good change. Content. It feels good. I think that it's the running. Maybe the praying, too (:

I'm just being

Damn, this woman just amazes me. As I spend my days worrying about whether or not I'll have time to eat before class (usually no), if I should change my major (which I've pretty much decided to do! Yikes!), and if I should buy a new pair of jeans before winter comes full force (yes, but where?!), she WON her battle against cancer! Her spirit just amazes me. I should have been the one encouraging her through her horrific journey and yet her patience, her grace, and her love of life and Jesus has continued to awe me in the months that I have been reading. Seriously, this woman has got a lot of God living inside of her heart. I have never even met her and I want to be more like her!

I take comfort and joy in the fact that God is giving me the struggles that He wants me to have. If He wanted me to fight cancer (I pray not), He would send it at me and give me the tools I need to deal with it. Fortunately for me, I'm thinking about jeans and work and majors and looking forward to the future. I still struggle with depression a lot of the time but I am so grateful that I spend a lot of my time just happy and being. I love just being. It's my absolute favorite state of mind. I love sitting down with a cup of coffee and just thinking about my accounting homework. I love running. I love that I have carved out a time to spend reading the Bible every evening and that the verses and words are sticking with me throughout the day. I love that I have a Bible verse written on my hand right now because I just couldn't leave my room this morning without taking it with me. I'm happy and I'm being. I'm living in the moment but looking forward to the future.

That's it. That's all I've got to say.

I'm going to start blogging more. I got caught in this trap that I should only blog if I have something "inspired" to say and then I realized that that's just dumb because I don't have time to be "inspired" and have deep thoughts. I'm too busy being. So I'm going to write more about how I'm being.

She is clothed in strength and dignity; she laughs at the future to come.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord

For many years, I was crippled with doubt and filled with anguish. I sought after the Lord, but just didn't feel it. I knew that I was supposed to feel this mysterious it, this power of the Spirit, the swoosh of my God filling my heart- but I didn't know what that looked like or felt like. I just knew it was missing. Have you ever tried to understand something that cannot be explained? Something that even once you have it, cannot be described? I was wandering around int the dark, desperately patting the walls for a light switch, a match, anything. I knew that my God was out there somewhere, and I just couldn't find Him. I knew that the man called Jesus had died for the sins of the unworthy, and I knew that I was unworthy, but had He did for me? I didn't know. I understood the idea of God and Jesus in the abstract, was able to hold a decent conversation chronicling His attributes, and dutifully subscribed to an daily e-mail Bible reading assignment (and actually read the passages, most of the time), but I just wasn't there. I was not a Believer in the one place that mattered: my heart.

And then, for a reason I really can't remember now, I stumbled upon Romans 8:38-39. This was my "aha" moment. My life as I knew it was over. Gone was the doubt. Gone was the anguish. Looking back now, it's like God slipped His hand into my heart and brushed it all away with the swat of His palm. I read the verse and what I heard was "I am here. And I am here for YOU, Mary Emily Molly Herbert. I own your heart, regardless of what you think and do and now matter how many doubts you have, you are mine and I am yours and nothing will ever change that."

I'm sure that I have dramatized the moment in my memories. But really, I'm just saying that because I don't want to be the crazy person that admits to hearing voices. The truth is, that verse saved my life. That verse was God's way of cracking my heart open wide and setting me free. That day, I became a Believer. To this day, I read this verse regularly. Shockingly, I don't have it memorized-I've been working on that but I am the world's worst memorizer. Seriously-I'm like a gold fish. But every time I read that verse, I am rejuvenated. That verse is like a promise between God and myself: Through the thick and the thin, the happiness and the anger, the doubts and the hatred and the worries, we're in this together. Nothing will ever be able to separate us, absolutely nothing. Dang, I've got an amazing God. I worship Him and I am glad!

Complacency

Much of what the preacher at one of my old churches said used to simply go in one ear and out the other. What can I say: I have a very short attention span! I still remember one sermon, though, and I am often reminded of it at the most inopportune (read: necessary) times. The teaching was regarding how dangerous being comfortable and complacent can become for a Christian and I can't agree more. I have the type of personality that I just love being comfortable. There's nothing better for me than lounging on the couch in an air conditioned room, book in hand and Dr. Pepper to the side. Now there might be nothing wrong with that, at least until I gain a few hundred pounds and have a TLC feature made about me, except I tend to do similar things with my faith. I am so quick to suppress the Spirit and feel nice and comfy cozy in my sin. I wrap it around me, make room for it on the couch beside me, and turn up the volume on the television so I can't hear God pointing out my sin. In fact, I think that being comfortable is probably one of my greatest areas of weakness as a Christian. Working hard is...hard. It's difficult and exhausting and half the time the changes that God is calling me to make I just don't want to make. Sometimes Head Molly sounds just like a petulant toddler as she throws fits, screaming "NO NO NO I don't wanna!" (Head Molly differs from real Molly in that I don't actually throw fits...I only allow the Molly in my head to do that...and yes, I refer to her in the third person. We are separate entities. And yes, I worked all day, so I'm writing this primarily out of exhaustion).  Back to the point, though, I like being comfortable. And being a Christian is often the exact opposite. Being a Christian means stepping outside of your comfort zone and making the changes that are hard and uncomfortable because we love God more than we love ourselves and our sin.

I highly recommend this video. I was introduced to this shortly after I became a Believer and it still makes me cry every time I watch it. I identify with the conflict so clearly. I want to be chiseled, but I don't want the pain that that involves. And even though I resist, my God keeps going. He keeps chiseling because He loves me that much that even though I get comfortable in my sin, He keeps pointing it out because He wants to chisel me into the person that reflects Him. It's hard for me to be uncomfortable and then willingly step up to the plate for more, but I'm getting there.

For we are God’s masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -Ephesians 2:10. We are God's masterpiece. How incredible is that?

Changes

I was talking to the lovely Miss W the other day and I realized something amazing: I have changed! It's not often that I can look back at myself at a specific point in time and realize that my heart and/or attitude have grown in some significant way. In fact, it's happened like twice that I can think of. If this blog is good for nothing else, I am already grateful that it is giving me the opportunity to see the way the God is molding me.

Now, on to chronicling these changes! After talking to Whitney, I was inclined to go back and read my previous blog post about being single and realized that I wrote that post for a reason: I was unhappy with my single state and I was unhappy with my heart. My sisters read that post and they were inclined to discuss it with me, which gave me new things to think about and new things to pray over. And in just over a month, my attitude and outlook has been completely rewritten. I am not sure when it happened, but I am so, so glad that I became aware of it because I need these tangibles. I need the evidence that God is working with me because most of the time, I wouldn't blame Him one tiny bit if He decided to just start ignoring me. Here's where I am at now:

I still want to be married. I still desire a partner, someone that I can share my life with and someone that will challenge me as a person and a Christian. A man that will father my children. A husband that will teach me how to love and care for him and someone that I will teach how to love and care for me. I want that- and I really do believe that that is somewhere in my future. But right now, I am content. Rather than praying for a husband, I am praying about my husband. I pray that he is using this time to grow and mature. I pray that he is practicing at being a good man, because I know it isn't easy. I ask God to lighten his burdens and send people to help him when they become too heavy. I don't know who my dude is, but I know that he is out there and that this is the way that I can best care for him right now. I no longer beg for the guy to enter my life, because I recognize now that that's going to happen, ready or not, when God deems it time. I also spend a lot of time praying for myself (shocker, I'm selfish even in prayer!). I pray that God will continue to mold me so that when it is time for me to be married, my heart and spirit will be prepared for the emotional upheaval that will cause. I pray that God will aid me in eradicating my selfish desires and my self-centered thoughts, because those probably won't make marriage easy, and they're certainly making my current life much more difficult. I spend the bulk of my time, though, praying that God will use me in the way that He sees best now. That I can focus on the now and how I can be a servant to Him.

I've also realized what an amazing life I have right this very second. I'm sitting here, typing on my personal laptop, playing on facebook, and watching television. I have money in my bank account. I have no fear of diseases, or being shot, or walking around in the dark. I have a car outside on the driveway, and an amazing education under my belt. I have family- biological and spiritual, both of whom are amazing. I live in a place where I practice my religion freely and love my God openly. I have a God that satisfies my every need and want, and that calms my whimsy. I have a job that I am in love with and that challenges me and keeps me fit and tan (which my future husband will probably appreciate). I am, simply put, blessed. And I want to spend my time focusing on what I have, rather than what I want. God will satisfy my needs, in His own way, and in His own time. My time is better suited to taking care of the here and now and becoming the best person that I can be.

So that's where I am at. I'm far from perfect and typically not as content as I am right at this moment, but I no longer ache with want. I crave God, and God alone. Have no fear, though, I still have lots of other issues to be sorted through. The blog shall continue. I'm glad that I took the time to read back through my posts, though. Even though there's always something new to struggle and worry over, God seems to be movin' and shakin' in my life!

Worth the Read

I read this a few weeks ago and it has really stuck with me. I definitely recommend reading it if you get a chance. I love her writing style and I am in love with what she has to say. It has given me a lot to think about.

A Change of Pace

Lately, my mind and heart have been really focused on sin. Not on actually sinning (which I sadly still do), but ruminating over past sins. And by ruminating, I mean obsessing. I am not a very good forgiver (more on this later), so it figuratively boggles my mind trying to comprehend the idea of an all forgiving God. I know what God tells me in the Bible, and I believe every period, comma, and phrase to be true, but the mere concept seems so crazy to me! In the world in which I live, it does not make sense to have a God that is constantly loving and constantly forgiving me, an undeserving sinner. I often feel bogged down by my sin and trying to make amends and changes. I focus constantly on my pet sins, the sins that I keep feeding and nurturing, even though they are sucking the light out of me. 

I'm trying to focus my eyes more on the Cross, though, and less on the sin.Yes, I sin. Yes, I need to work as hard as I can to remove sin from my life. But the fact of the matter is this: the war has already been won. My heart is sealed in the hands of God and there's basically much nothing that I can do to screw that up. Crazy, right? My God loves me so much that He sent His one and only Son for me, so that regardless of my sins, I can hang out with Him for all of eternity. THAT is where I want my focus to be. On the Good News. The Best News. I am often stunned by the goodness of God. And by goodness, I mean great, awesome, incredible, incomprehensible, utter amazingness of God.

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.

 For real, God is awesome. I just can't get over it! So I'm going to lay my heart down at the foot of the cross, sin and all, and give my whole life to my main man Jesus. It's only through Him that I have anything to offer, only through Him that my sins are washed clear and my heart is as pure as His own. It is only through him that worthless is turned into worthy. On my own, I am unworthy. Just me, Molly, sitting here, I am a sinner. With Jesus, I rest in the love of God and am relieved of the burden of sin. Tonight, and every night, I will go to sleep rejoicing in the Good News and I will wake up blessed by His love.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness has been an issue for me for basically forever. Lately, it has become an even bigger issues because I have been forced to reevaluate my thoughts on forgiveness through the lens of the Bible. I'm not a forgiver. I don't do it graciously or easily. I do okay with the little things-when I accidentally hurt someone's feelings or forget to take out the trash or even when I intentionally sin against another person in minor ways (like being mean on purpose or something like that). With things like that, I actually consider myself to be pretty decent at asking for forgiveness and talking it out if needed. It's the big things that get me. The times when I have been hurt and need to forgive, and ask for forgiveness. Boy has God been working me on this one though. He's really been chipping away at me and it hurts. On the one hand I'm super grateful that God is willing to mold me and that He hasn't totally given up on me yet. On the other hand, I would please like for it to hurt less and maybe could we talk about this a few years from now? Apparently the answer to the latter hand is a resounding NO because He seems to be bringing it up every chance possible. Mostly through Laura, my Bible verses, and KLOVE (yes, I do believe that God talks to me through my radio, call my crazy if you so desire). Lately, I have really felt my heart moving towards forgiveness. I have started to comprehend more and more how utterly amazing Jesus was to give His life for me in atonement for my sins so that I may enjoy eternal life with Him. And yet, here I am, with essentially nothing to lose except my pride, and I can't extend a little forgiveness? I am so grateful that asking for and extending forgiveness has been easier to swallow the last few weeks. This is something that I have struggled with for my entire life, so that fact that God is shoving my heart in the right direction, one painful inch at a time, with slightly less resistance from me, is BIG NEWS. 

One place that I am still really struggling though, is the vulnerability. Asking for someone's forgiveness (not that I have much personal experience) means that you are opening yourself up to them. You are displaying your sin on a platter for them to analyze and they have the right to turn you down. They have to right to say "Yep, you're a sinner and you're a bad, bad person, and I refuse to forgive you." And I will still have to hold my platter of sin out in front of them and accept that they're right, I have sinned against them and that was wrong and that what I have done can't be undone and they have the right to withhold their forgiveness. More importantly, if they do forgive me, they have the right to bring it up again later and say, "Hey you, you're sinning again, cut it out-I've forgiven you once already for this..." Not that I resent someone calling me out on my sin; believe me, I often need it and I respect anyone that does it because it shows the depth of their love for me. But that doesn't make it any less painful.

 Long story short: I'm scared of asking for forgiveness and then having my every action, my every thought, my every sin and transgression picked through and analyzed for years to come. And yet I understand that asking for forgiveness comes without strings. Asking for forgiveness comes with a true understanding that I have done wrong. Asking for forgiveness means a willingness to hold my heart out to another person and ask them to look inside and see a genuine apology. Holding my heart out, stringless, to another person is a scary concept for me. I like to stay very, very safe. Trusting another person can be very, very dangerous. Plus, an equally difficult issue, I have to take into consideration that asking for another person's forgiveness means a willingness to extend equal or greater forgiveness back to them. Being willing to forgive and move on. Allowing for a clean slate. Forgiving others is something that I really don't tend do easily. I much prefer to nurture my anger and hold it close to my heart and feed it little pinched of bitterness and resentment every now and again to keep it strong.

I certainly realize that my heart, in terms of giving and offering forgiveness, is in pretty rough territory right now. I'm working on it. I'm not going to lie and say that it's been easy. And I'm not going to pretend that I'm 100% willing to make a change right now. I understand that I am wrong, and that I have so much room to grow in this area. And really, I'm trying. I'm trying to forgive. I'm praying for God to help me let go of my anger and bitterness and resentment. I'm praying for God to help me eradicate my pride so that I may ask for forgiveness without any strings and a genuinely contrite heart. It's not easy, and I'm not convinced that it'll ever be easy for me. But hey, practice makes perfect, right?

Emotional Mess

I have been a total and complete emotional mess lately. I'm not sure what brought it on: finals stress, starting back at the pool, who knows. I'm hoping that writing it out will help me sort everything into neat little categories so that I can proceed with my organized little life.

Lately, the main source of emotional upheaval has been my friendship with Laura (Laura, we haven't talked about this much--sorry about that). Laura is the single most important individual in my life. She's the girl that doesn't bullshit around my feelings-she tells me what I need to hear whether it be about boys, my heart, my sin, or my life in general. I respect that so much in her. I know that she won't lie to me or try to tell me what she thinks I want to hear (unless it's about my outfit or something trivial). The last few weeks, though, I have been absolutely paranoid about losing her. For real, it's like I'm going through reverse separation anxiety. I say reverse because I have been so incredibly happy to be spending more time than usual over there the last couple of weeks. Anywho, here's what's happened:

Incident number one: This was the whopper (and we have talked about it!). So I'm sitting in a very public place hanging out with the Whitney-girl, and we get to talking about my blog. I told Whitney that I was nervous because I was going straight from our lunch out to see Laura, and I knew that Laura wanted to discuss the blog (bolded because it felt like a really big deal before we talked about it). For some reason, while talking about it, I managed to convince myself that Laura was going to be really upset about my opinions and thoughts and that that would be enough to potentially sever our relationship. I opened my mind, for like one second, to the idea that Laura could possibly not be in my life anymore and I melted. I completely broke down. Seriously, I cannot even describe the pain- it felt like my heart was being crushed like an ant on the sidewalk. I started totally sobbing in the middle of this restaurant and was really super upset. Fortunately, Laura and I were able to talk about incident number one later that night and I was reassured that that girl's not going anywhere!

Incident number two: Incident number two happened a little while later. I'd been hanging out at her house and I was having a super awesome time and then the paranoia set in again. I convinced myself that I was totally in her way and was being really obnoxious. I started questioning everything that I was doing and saying, totally certain that I was driving them up the wall. I think that the idea that people can tolerate my presence for solid stretches of time without my driving them crazy still surprises me. I finally had to leave because I was so sure that they were done with me and I was becoming so anxious. On the drive home, I realized that I was being a crazy girl again because Laura and I have talked about this in the past, and I trust that she will tell me when I am not being helpful or when I have overextended my welcome.

Incident number three: Incident number three happened while I was driving home for her house. For real, I had just left her house. I can't even describe how mad it makes me that I've let my emotions get so out of control that I freak out less than five minutes after leaving. This time, I was letting my mind wander and thinking about some other things and I started thinking about how important Laura is to me and how grateful I am that she challenges me so much as a believer. I then said in my head "I wouldn't stop being friends with Laura for anything." And then it occurred to me that that statement isn't necessarily true: if God were to ask me to end my relationship with Laura, I would do it. It would be the most painful thing in my life up to this point, but I would do it. Which then got me to thinking: oh my goodness, am I allowing Laura to become and idol in my life and is God going to ask me to leave our relationship? Which then made me cry. Sitting here now, I'm still trying to sort this one out. I honestly don't think that I have turned Laura into an idol. I think that only recently have I been able to truly comprehend how much she and her family means to me and I think that I am terrified of true, deep emotions. They're scary. I think that that fear is the reason that I start sobbing every time I start to grasp the depth and awesomeness of God's love for me. Such an open abyss of love and forgiveness and grace is so incomprehensible and pure that anytime my eyes are opened to even a sliver of it, I am so stunned that I start the waterworks. Lately, I have really felt God opening up my heart in more and more ways. I have realized that I am becoming more aware of the world, and feeling pain belonging to others. I am opening up my heart to God more and more, passing it over more easily and willingly every day. There are still roadblocks and difficulties, obviously, but, if it were physically possible, I would believe that my heart feels a little bit bigger in my chest (am I allowed to talk about myself this way? I feel like I'm too close to the situation to compliment myself...too late). I think that that's what's happening with my relationship with Laura. I think that my heart is growing, and as it does, I become scared. Scared of loss. Scared of pain. Scared of hurt. Because as my heart is growing, my love for my Sister in Christ is growing, too. I'm realizing how blessed I have been to have her in my life for the past fifteen or so years. I am realizing how amazing Christ has been to share her with me and to provide me with a friend that is willing to love me through the good, the bad, and the teenage years (which would be the really, really bad!). Opening up these doors of awareness, though, heightens my fears that I am going to do something wrong that is going to cause her to leave. What can I say? I'm a worrier to the extreme.

I've been praying about this a lot lately. Enough that it made it's way into a permanent spot on my prayer list. I've been praying about my relationship with Laura- that I can continue to be helpful to her and her family. But I've been praying even more for God to relieve me of this anxiety and fear of the future and general fear of emotions. I trust God, I genuinely do, and I wholly trust that He has an amazing plan for me that I cannot even comprehend. I'm so frustrated with this anxiety because I know that it has no place; for one) Laura has assured me that our friendship is totally solid. For two) God has an amazing plan for me, whether I worry over it or not. And yes, there's bound to be pain involved along the way, and loss, and heartache, but He's got my heart and it's safely cocooned in His palms. So I'll close with my comfort verse:

For I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And I will bask in the comfort of God and rejoice in His love for me. Prayers much appreciated to alleviate my craziness.

Times Like Today

Sometimes, the todays wear me down. You know what I'm talking about: the days that are average. The days that I am bogged down with work and homework. The days that I get a thousand emails in a day because someone needs something at the pool, my professor needs another copy of my paper, and my coworker wants to know if I can cover a shift. The days when my to do list fills up my whole arm, takes over my brain, and completely consumes me. I have a hard time seeing past those days. And those days are today. They're my everyday. Like today. Today I was having a day. It's pretty incredible how much paperwork/email/phone calls required to keep a pool fully operational from 300 miles away. Add in the final projects and less than a handful of days until the start of finals, and you get one stressed out Molly.

And yet, it's days like this that make me happiest to be a Christian. Days when the wind makes me smile because I know that it's God distracting me from my stress. I find funny things on the internet and they make me happy. I read my daily Bible verse and it makes my heart smile. Yeah, these are good days. Sometimes God just has to nudge me a bit to remind me.

She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 
-Proverbs 31: 25

Control Freak

I've mentioned a couple of times that I am a control freak. And it is so, so true. It's something that I really struggle with. I hear other Christians talking about what a relief it is to know that God is in complete control of their life and how awesome it felt to let go of control. Ummmmm. Seriously? Okay, I take great comfort in the fact that God is watching over for me and has a perfect plan for me. But the actual act of physically handing the reins of my life over? Yeah that's not comforting. That's utterly and completely terrifying! What if He messes things up? What if it's not exactly what I imagined my life being? Fortunately, by the time I get to those thoughts, God usually gives me that skeptical eye--one eye squinty, eyebrow raised and says, "Really? You really think that you can do better than me? Ha!" And with that comes the absolute knowledge that yes, God does have a perfect plan for me. And yeah, it's really hard to hand over control but in the end, I know that it will be so, so worth it. My past has taught me that. When I try to take control, when I attempt to hold the reins all by myself...well my hands get chapped and my shoulders start to hurt. Alright, I think that that's enough metaphor for the day. Speaking frankly, I suck at running my own life. I get stressed, and frustrated, and just plum tired. And at those times, I am so happy to pass over my control and let God do what He will. But for some reason, every time my life starts going the way that I think God intends it to, I get scared. And I steal all the control back. And I tell myself, hey, you can do this. You can be in charge. The Big Guy can just watch over you, He doesn't really need to run the show. And so I try to be in charge. And I fail. And God, showing way more patience with me than I could even dream of possessing, steps in and makes things right. He fixes my heart and shoves me back in the direction of the cross. If I had a beer right now (which I don't because I'm sitting in class and I'm underage), I would raise a toast to the Big Guy. He's pretty awesome, what with His perfect plan, His amazing patience, His beautiful grace, and the fact that He's willing to take a sinner and mold her into something so much more.

And yeah, I'm working on that control thing. It's a toughie. Believe it or not, I've come a long way in the last few years. I've moved past the denial stage, which I consider a big step!

More Thoughts

(I need to come up with more creative post titles. Maybe I'll start using a keyword and a number!)

So I have thought more about how I feel about having real people out there, my real friends, reading what I am writing. At first, I was...mortified. To put it lightly. Seriously, crazy, wild with embarrassment. But now that I have slept on it, I'm really glad. Here's why: You are the people that I count on to hold me accountable as a Christian, especially you, Miss W. And if I can't be honest with you, if you have no idea what I am thinking and what I am truly struggling with, battling over, and worrying about, then how could I possibly expect you to do that? I count on others to see the places that I am failing because oftentimes, I'm too close to see the flaws myself. What's the saying? You can't see the trees through the forest? That might be backwards! Regardless, you get the point. I have not been intentionally keeping this blog, and my thoughts, a secret, but I have been shielding myself. I haven't been willing to share the things that I am really struggling with for fear of judgement. But the fact of the matter is that you guys are my sisters and I desperately need you. So I'm happy that you're out there somewhere.

Much Love.

Readers

Ahh my readers. Alas, I have found you! Some of my dear, dear friends are out there reading what I have to say. And I don't know how I feel about that. Here's what I'm thinking so far:

I'm embarrassed about some of the things that I have said. But as I sat at work thinking about it, I ask myself why? Am I ashamed that I am a Christian? Absolutely not. Am I ashamed that sometimes I don't think exactly the way that other Christians think? Absolutely not. Am I ashamed that I have kept parts of myself hidden? Yes. As a Christian, I find myself most often withholding my beliefs from fellow Christians, not from the doubters and haters out there. From my friends. And I need to be done with that.  So I will continue to write as if I am writing to myself, but I welcome anyone to comment!

Right now, that's as far as I have gotten. So this I promise to myself: I will continue to be myself. I will say (write) what I am thinking and I will accept that I could be wrong, I could be judged, and I could, and probably will, be questioned. But I will be honest, because it's what I need and because it's what I believe God is calling me to do.

Daydreams

I just checked out my stats and apparently someone other than me has been reading my blog. I'm stunned. Seriously. Not that I don't want to share the Word and my relationship with God, believe me, I do. But I never expected other people to read my ramblings.

Anyways, I have been struggling lately with control. In my head, I know that I need to relinquish control of my life over to my God, but what does that really look like? Does that mean I don't make any decisions myself? Absolutely not, God gave me a brain, a reasonably intelligent one at that, and it would be a shame not to use it. So what does giving up control mean? I think for me, it means stop daydreaming. I am a writer, and I spend the bulk of my "writing time" writing out my own future. I sit and daydream about what I want my life to look like and where I want to be in five years. Making goals is one thing, creating my future is another. I have goals--goals that I have every intention of seeing come to fruition. But I think that creating my fantasies, which is really what they are, is where I need to change. In creating fantasies, I am acting as if my version of the future is what is best for me. Sure, it's what I desire, but it's not what is best for me. And honestly, looking back, this has been the greatest source of disappointment in my life. I create this beautiful picture in my head of what I want my life to look like, this amazing romance, perfect job, great situation, etc. and when it doesn't turn out exactly they way I envisioned, I am really disappointed. Like crushed, disappointed. But really, was there anything wrong with what actually happened? No, absolutely not. Most times, looking back, it's turned out better than I ever could have imagined myself, and yet I am disappointed. What an insult to God's amazing and perfect plan that is. So that's my goal: less daydreaming. Or, at the very least, day dream about my characters rather than my own self. At least then I'd be doing something productive.

Hey--if you're out there reading this, leave me a comment. I'd love to hear from you and about your faith, even (especially) if you feel something differently than me. (:

Money Money Money!

Malachi 3:10 states this: "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it" 

As a single working girl, I have, not gonna lie, quite a bit of money saved up. And often, this leaves me in a difficult position. I have worked hard for my money and it is mine. Mine, mine, mine. Growing up, we always had just enough. That may not sound like a big deal, but it really was. I became aware of money at a really young age, probably too young, and that awareness rings strong within me. Money is important. I live in a capitalistic society and money is the only bargaining chip that I possess. So I cling to it. I take comfort in checking my bank account. I nurture it like a baby sapling that needs constant watering. And I watch it grown. And I hold it close to me, letting none of it escape my greedy hands. And I sin. Money is a huge sin in my life that I have, I hate to admit, no desire to let go of. I often feel God trying to chip away and that sin and I turn to Him and say, "No thanks, God. I'm going to keep this alllll for me, thank you very much!" And then I ignore the voice inside my heart and move on. And that is where I am at. In theory, I know that this is wrong. Heck, in reality I totally understand that this is blatant, obvious, seriously hard-core sin. I see it. I recognize it. And I just can't bring myself to change. The idea terrifies me. The idea of completely trusting God with money is humungous. God can have my heart. He can have my spirit. He can have my voice. But my money? My livelihood? My gateway to food, to shopping, to all earthly goods? Heck no. Stay away! In theory I understand that God will reward me greatly with my trust and my complete release of control. In theory I get that God's plan for me is so much more amazing than any plan that I could ever create or buy for myself. That the freedom of letting God take control of my life is worth more than any amount of money that I can build up in my bank account. Sure. I get it. In theory. Obviously, I've got some serious work to do in this department. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.

Hatred

Hatred is so prevalent in America. We hide it from ourselves and from our peers, but it's there. It's in our hearts, and our attitudes, it's in the way that we treat others. Confusion often leads to hatred, and that's something that I understand. But it's not my job to hate. It's my job to love. Even the things that I question and don't understand and am insecure about, I am called to love. This includes homosexuality. This includes atheists. This includes obnoxious people that drive me totally bonkers. I am called to love each and every one of them and leave any necessary judgement to God.

I told a friend once that I am so grateful that I am not called to judge, because that is a hefty responsibility, one that I would hate to have resting upon my shoulders. And yet, I'm so quick to do it. I'm so quick to look at a girl's outfit and label her promiscuous. I am so quick to talk to a person and label them stupid, or annoying, or evil, or cocky. I am so quick! I told my sister once that making judgements isn't wrong, it's being unwilling to let go of your initial impression that's bad; that making judgements is human nature. But I was wrong. Judgement is a habit, just like lying, just like pride, just like vanity. It's a habit and it's a sin that needs to be broken. I judge. I wish I didn't, but I do. I catch myself doing it constantly. So lately I've been thinking about how to break this pattern. And I've come upon a few answers. Prayer. And practice. Isn't that the answer to nearly everything? Prayer--breaking my heart open for God to see my selfishness and my insecurity and my sin. Being willing to admit that I need help and guidance and maybe even punishment. And then practice. Recognizing the sin when I commit it and actively replacing it with a compliment. I have decided that every time I judge someone in my mind, I want to turn that around by complimenting them, a genuine compliment, that I say to their face. I'm not sure if this will help, but I hope it will. Practice makes perfect, right? And if I actively practice finding the good in people, I hope that I can remove at least some of the judgement.

However, it does lead me to wonder where all of this judgment and hatred comes from. And I think that it goes back to my own insecurities. I am so insecure. I sometimes find myself bitterly resenting my family because I fall so short of where they stand. I am not successful. I am not driven. I am not brilliant. I am not dedicated to giving back. I am not rich, not "the boss," not a doctor, not anything. It's times like this, though, that I thank the Lord that He doesn't look at successes to measure who I am. By some crazy miracle (aka the awesome grace of God) He picked me! If it were my choice, I'd be the last I'd choose because I am a sinner. I am constantly sucked into Satan's trap and I find myself letting go, giving in, and letting sin sneak into my heart. And yet, here I am. Struck dumb by the Grace of God. So in return for this precious gift, this amazing awesomeness, I will try to spread the love and eliminate the hatred. Wish me luck!

Dirty Little Secret

I have a dirty little secret. It's my hidden shame, the not-so-little piece of darkness that I keep hidden within myself. Actually, two. Two little secrets that eat away at my soul and crush me, brick my brick, until I am weak with fatigue and helpless to fight back.

Fortunately, at these times of weakness, God is a merciful god and steps in next to me, sliding a few bricks back into place, giving me time to rebuild my strength and my walls. God is an amazing God. And yet, I have my dirty little secrets: sin, and doubt. Sin and doubt are the twin brothers that live within my soul, that I can never quite banish. I fight against them, but they weaken me and leave me vulnerable to the infiltration of more sin and doubt.

"You of little faith," [Jesus] said, "why did you doubt?"

Doubt has got to be the most powerful tool in Satan's toolbox. Even the most devout of Christian's can be weakened by doubt. And as soon as doubt creates that wedge, sin slithers right in. And once they're both in, they play off of each other and gather strength as if they are on steroids. And unfortunately, their "things" don't shrink as a side effect. Bummer. And I give more strength to them by keeping my doubt and my sin hidden. I am ashamed of them and instead of putting them in the light, weakening them by asking for help, I let them stay hidden in my heart, constantly building themselves up and battering away at my heart and my spirit, weakening my resolve. Leaving less and less room for the Spirit to work.

Singlehood

I have fallen in love with a fantasy. And I don't know what to do about it. The bulk of my time in prayer is spent begging for a husband. It might seem silly, since there are millions of people starving, living homeless, suffering, and who have it way worse than me. But alas, I can't help myself. I feel a desperate need in myself to have a husband, a companion, a man with whom I can share all of my secrets, my desires, my hopes and dreams, with. And the physical side of the relationship would not be neglected either. I thank the Lord for this desire in me, because I know that this desire to form and keep a loving, respectful, God-centered relationship is a beautiful gift. But for now, it sucks. Seriously. I hate that all I can think about is what is missing. It's like an empty hole inside of me that aches and aches. I'm only half of a person, constantly searching for my other half. I know that when I find my person, it won't be a miracle cure; my life won't suddenly be this amazing utopia. In fact, I'm so independent that I'll probably fight it. But still I crave. I desire. I want. Oftentimes, the Garth Brooks' song "Unanswered Prayers" comes into my mind when I sit begging God for a spouse. Because I know that I should be grateful to have this time being a single. And truly, I appreciate a lot of things about it. I love my hobbies, I love having my time accountable to myself, I love that I can hang out with my friends in all of my free time. But I'm not a single. With my whole being, I believe that God intends for me to be a couple. So I don't know what to do with myself in this single time.
Which brings me around to The Boy. The Boy is a friend of a friend that I am being set up with. The set up was supposed to happen a few months ago, but the timing fell through. I had my hopes set up so, so high that this would be it. Everything inside of me said that he could be The One. God wasn't telling me that, I was telling me that. My desire was telling me that. Unfortunately, the meeting didn't happen, and still hasn't, and it's still hanging over my head. I find myself shying away from potential attachments with other guys because something might happen with this guy. And truly, he sounds amazing. He's a strong believer, he's beautiful, smart, kind, and everyone only has glowing things to say about him. But I also know that I have built him up a lot in my head. And so I am left with this "perfect" guy whom I have never even met that I am already half way in love with and what do I do what that? Try to trust in God's plan, sure, but my daydreams are so lovely.

Blogging

Let it be known, first thing off the cuff in this blog, that I am not perfect. I won't quote scripture perfectly, I won't always say the right thing at the right time. And that's okay with me. I think that God has been pushing me to write it out so that He can show me the logical fallacies in my thoughts and so that He can guide me towards the right answers.

I would love to hear back from you guys. I will, most likely, anxiously await comments. I want to know what you like, what you don't like, and when you think I'm a crazy bat. I might not agree with you. Knowing me, I probably won't agree with you right away regardless of what you say. That's the way I am. All that being said...

1. I do not debate. I am always open for discussion, but I won't get into Scripture Slinging (cough Facebook) or long, winded cross arguments. I respect that I may be wrong, and I ask that you respect that you, too, may be wrong. Or, say whaaaaa, that things can be interpreted differently. If God intended the Bible to be read one way, then I think He would have given us a checklist. Instead, He gave us a beautiful, confusing, crazy, amazing story. And as an English major, I know that stories grab and hold everyone differently. I read different things every time I read a passage or a verse. It's based on my mood, on the other passages I've happened to read that day, and God's interference. So please, let's always hold tight to love and respect and don't try to debate with me.

2. Speak with love. Again, I may be wrong, and if you are a fellow Christian, you should feel convicted to correct me if I am wrong. I respect that. But please, do so with love. I have gotten to the point where I can't even read the comments on my favorite blogs because they are so filled with hatred, anger, and accusation. That's not what this is about. So please remember that I am a person, with feelings and emotions.

3. Keep it real.

4. Speak your mind

I'm sure that I'll add more/elaborate more in the future

Chatter, chatter

My friend pointed out to me that I tend to have varying opinions on my stance regarding homosexuality. And she is totally, completely right. I do waver. Ha--more than that, I change my mind every day regarding what I think. Here's what I know I believe:

 I do not waver on gay marriage- I strongly hold the opinion that the church and the state should be very separated. The two should NOT intermingle. And in that sense, gay marriage absolutely should be legal because I demand that our government treat everyone as equals. How dare they not? What are they teaching the citizens if our government deems that certain classes are unworthy of equal rights? So as a citizen, I do not waver on the issue of gay marriage.

As a Christian, I refuse REFUSE to waver on the issue of L. O. V. E. Because that's what matters. Whether it's legal or not, whether it's a sin or not, I really don't know that it matters in the long run. I think what matters is love. It sounds so simple, and yet it's really not. It's not my job to judge, it's not my job to label something a sin in someone else. It's my job to love someone and to glorify the awesomeness inside of them because God created them. God created that person. And God does not want me to hate any of His creations. So I sit, think about all sorts of things and I try to love. I say "try" for a reason: it's not easy to love something that I don't understand. It's not easy to love something that doesn't make sense to me, something that I am so utterly confused about. It's hard. Love is HARD. Because love isn't saying "Hey man, I love you." Love is reaching out to people. Love is showing with my actions and my heart that I care about them and their struggle- that everything, even the things that I don't understand, about that person matters to me. And that's hard. I think that there's a reason that Jesus highlighted love as the most important commandment: because it's the most difficult. I spend so much time thinking about how I can avoid sin, how I can obey my parents and still be true to my god, how I can follow the ten commandments. How much time do I spend thinking about how I show my love to my friends and to strangers? Sadly, very little. Such an important commandment, the most important commandment, that I spend most of my time ignoring. What a sad state my heart is in. So I sit here, and beg God to change me. I beg Him to show me how I can love His creations more, and how I can demonstrate that love. And I accept that I have to take responsibility. For my actions, and my feelings. I can spend all the time I want in prayer asking God to change me. But if I want change to happen, I have to get out there and do it. God will be there to help me and guide me, but I have to use my hands, use my feet, and use my mouth to make things happen. I trust that God will work through me, but I have to get out there and do the work.

Why this Christian Supports Gay Rights

It's a hot topic. I'm a little scared to touch it, actually. Okay, a lot scared. I wish I could avoid it altogether, but I just can't let myself.

I support gay rights. Let me explain to you why:

I've dedicated a lot, a lot, a lot of prayer to this issue. And you know what? I might be wrong. I've been wrong before. It's bound to happen again and again. But I strongly believe, based on past experience, that when I'm wrong, God is pretty quick in sending me a passage or a friend or a book or a blog or a message of some sort and letting me know. So until that happens, I will remain convinced. I trust God completely, and part of that means trusting my own instinct in recognizing when He is trying to tell me something. As a Christian, it's still relatively taboo to openly support homosexuality and, to be perfectly honest, I understand why. As a confused Christian, I can totally understand how fellow Christians would be confused, or unsure, or insecure regarding their stance on this topic. I can absolutely understand how Christians can be totally, completely convinced that homosexuality is God's modern-day plague on Earth.

My view on the matter is this, though. After praying and praying and praying, God sent me these two verses. I say "sent" because I received them both through my verse of the day email. (To tell you the truth, I think that God talks to me a lot this way. Either that, or their publisher knows exactly what I need to hear and is probably stalking me.)

Matthew 22:37-39: 

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

And Romans 13:9-10

The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Upon seeing both of these, my mind immediately jumped to homosexuality. Marriage is one of the things that I crave most in this world. If I am to love my neighbor as myself, how could I possibly try to deny them love and marriage? I would never, ever say to myself, "Molly, you can't get married." (Okay, maybe if Christ led me towards a life of single-hood, but that's beside the point). So what right do I have to say, "Neighbor, you can't get married." 

Since concreting this decision, I have had doubts, it's true. And I've thought about and prayed about these doubts a lot. And, like I said, I may be wrong. But so far, my doubts have primarily centered around "What if I am wrong and I have to admit I am wrong and that will embarrass me!" Not one of my doubts has been "What if I am wrong to love my neighbor as myself?" 

Follow Up on Homosexuality

"It is God's job to judge, the Holy Spirit's job to convict, and a Christian's job to love. My faith may tell me that homosexuality is a sin, but that doesn't stop me from reaching out and becoming really good friends with someone that's gay. Or a friend that cuts. Or a friend that's tried to kill themselves. It hurts deep down when I see Christians using their faith as a shield to promote hate, when really, the basis of our faith is love. Jesus died for our sins because he loved us enough to do it. We are supposed to be Christlike... how do we do that when we can't even welcome someone different."

I saw this comment  in response to this article http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html/3/

Why I support Being WRONG

WRONG. I'm wrong a lot. Every day, in fact, I figure something out that I have been wrong about. In my Christian journey, I've been really wrong about a lot of things. I've touched on a couple of them here, such as my belief in levels of Christianity. I believed for a lot of years that all religions were right and there was no "wrong" God, only different versions of one religion. I was wrong about that.

Here's the thing, though: I'm glad that I've been wrong. I am so glad that I have spent years utterly and totally convinced that something that is completely, totally, unquestionably wrong was true. It seems silly, but I've learned a lot from these times of wrong-ness. I've learned to open my heart and be willing to listen. I've learned how to say "I'm wrong." I've learned to accept that I don't have the answers, nor will I ever. I am content in having been wrong, and knowing that I'm probably wrong about some things now, because it pushes me. My wrong-ness pushes me to keep looking for answers, to keep talking to people, to keep delving through scripture, and to keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to messages from God. If I was always right and had all the answers, what purpose would Christ have in my life? Plus I'd be pretty darn arrogant, and I'm pretty arrogant as it is. So here's to being wrong.

Why I am not Christian in Progress

Lately, I've heard the term "Christian in Progress" thrown around a lot, particularly as applied people my age or newly born Christians. Here's why I don't like that term:

I strongly believe that people are either Christians or NOT Christians. There's no in between. There are no "levels" in Christianity. I'm really firm on this because I spent a lot of my life believing that there were levels of Christianity. That there was such a thing as "bad," "good," and "saint-like" Christians. And it's true, people show and treat their relationship with Christ differently. But that does not make them a better Christian than I am. My relationship with God is unique from everyone else's. That is the beautiful thing about being a Christian: I have a one-on-one, intimate relationship with my man God and no one else has the same relationship that I do.

Next: Every Christian should be "in progress." If you are not in progress, you are in serious trouble and really need to examine your life. Unless you are the Messiah returned, you are not perfect. I can 100% guarantee that. As such, we should constantly be examining and evaluating our lives and finding ways in which we can better serve Christ. We should never be satisfied. There should never be a point in our day in which we say, "Well, God, I've done enough. I am definitely carrying the cross around on my back and You have grown me in every way possible and I've got no more growing to do." If I ever say that, or, God forbid, believe it, I hope that He strikes me down with lighting, looks me directly in the eye and says, "You silly chit. Hush up and stop sinning!"

So no, I am not a "Christian in Progress." I am a Christian, and I am in progress, yes. But I'm not half of a Christian. I am a whole Christian wholly saved by Christ, constantly trying to serve Him and begging Him to open up my heart for more. And that is why calling certain people, or types of people, "Christians in Progress" really bugs me. So stop. (:

Over and out.

A New Blog?! For Real?!

Yep, a new blog. When I started my original blog (which I intend to keep) I knew that I was planning to keep the "Christian aspects" of my life out of most of the stories/updates that I post. I have thought about it a lot since making my blog and I still don't plan to outright discuss my relationship with Christ on that blog. That blog is intended for my family and I know that my religion makes many of them uncomfortable. So out of respect for them, I have decided that I am okay with leaving out huge, very important, chunks of my life from that blog. I'm okay with that. But here's the thing: I have things to say. They may not be important, or life changing, or even all that inspired, but they are my things and I need to let them out. I spend huge portions of my day thinking about and talking to Christ and I have been feeling a strong urge to share some of our ramblings. Why? I don't know. Am I going to sound like a crazy person? Absolutely. Is it possible that I'll start this and abruptly stop because it just doesn't work? Definitely. Nonetheless, I'd love for you to join me in my ramblings and, if you'd like, share my ramblings with other Christians and non-Christians that you think will enjoy/hate/anything else my ramblings. Because there's nothing better than Christians gettin' together and rambling for hours and hours and pages and pages long. So bear with me (:

Why "No Boys Allowed"

Well. There's a simple explanation, really. It goes something like this: for Lent, I gave up boys. Actually, I gave up Sins of the Flesh, though I am primarily focusing on lust. There's really simple reasoning behind it actually: I want God to be in charge of my life and I want God to write my love story. God placed inside of me an incredibly strong desire to fall in love and be married and have children. Although I absolutely love that part of myself, it's difficult to be single and have to deal with that part of myself. I am constantly on the prowl for a guy that I deem could be my perfect life partner. You might think no big, right? Huge big. I have a tendency to look at a guy and before even knowing his name, I imagine our entire life together: how he's going to propose to me, what we will name our future children, etc. It's a lot ridiculous actually. And that's not what I want for myself, and I'm pretty sure not what God wants for me, either, otherwise it would have worked out for myself. In being incapable of looking at guys without trying to fall in love with them, I am totally closing off a huge portion of our potential. That boy could be a potential brother in Christ. Or a potential best friend, or study buddy, or he could be absolutely nothing to me at all. And I am missing out on that by trying to morph a total and complete stranger into my perfect mate. And here's the thing. I really and truly believe that my perfect mate it out there, already, waiting for me as impatiently as I am waiting for him. But what we're both really waiting on is for God to tell us: "That's him. That's my one. That's the person that God wants me to spend my life with. That's the person that is going to constantly challenge me as a Christian, who I'm going to grow closer to Christ with, and who is going to help me build a God-centered family." No, I don't think that it's going to be a *ping* moment quite like that, but I do think that when He's ready, God is going to put that special person in my life and that we will know. Maybe not right away, in a moment of lighting insight. But we will know, because God will tell us.


For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

So I'm trying to trust in God. I say try because it's hard. Really, really hard. I am a total and complete control freak. So the thought of sitting back and letting God totally take over any aspect, especially one that's so important to me, is really terrifying. Let it be known that I am a work in progress! 


Over and out.