I just checked out my stats and apparently someone other than me has been reading my blog. I'm stunned. Seriously. Not that I don't want to share the Word and my relationship with God, believe me, I do. But I never expected other people to read my ramblings.
Anyways, I have been struggling lately with control. In my head, I know that I need to relinquish control of my life over to my God, but what does that really look like? Does that mean I don't make any decisions myself? Absolutely not, God gave me a brain, a reasonably intelligent one at that, and it would be a shame not to use it. So what does giving up control mean? I think for me, it means stop daydreaming. I am a writer, and I spend the bulk of my "writing time" writing out my own future. I sit and daydream about what I want my life to look like and where I want to be in five years. Making goals is one thing, creating my future is another. I have goals--goals that I have every intention of seeing come to fruition. But I think that creating my fantasies, which is really what they are, is where I need to change. In creating fantasies, I am acting as if my version of the future is what is best for me. Sure, it's what I desire, but it's not what is best for me. And honestly, looking back, this has been the greatest source of disappointment in my life. I create this beautiful picture in my head of what I want my life to look like, this amazing romance, perfect job, great situation, etc. and when it doesn't turn out exactly they way I envisioned, I am really disappointed. Like crushed, disappointed. But really, was there anything wrong with what actually happened? No, absolutely not. Most times, looking back, it's turned out better than I ever could have imagined myself, and yet I am disappointed. What an insult to God's amazing and perfect plan that is. So that's my goal: less daydreaming. Or, at the very least, day dream about my characters rather than my own self. At least then I'd be doing something productive.
Hey--if you're out there reading this, leave me a comment. I'd love to hear from you and about your faith, even (especially) if you feel something differently than me. (:
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