Malachi 3:10 states this: "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it"
As a single working girl, I have, not gonna lie, quite a bit of money saved up. And often, this leaves me in a difficult position. I have worked hard for my money and it is mine. Mine, mine, mine. Growing up, we always had just enough. That may not sound like a big deal, but it really was. I became aware of money at a really young age, probably too young, and that awareness rings strong within me. Money is important. I live in a capitalistic society and money is the only bargaining chip that I possess. So I cling to it. I take comfort in checking my bank account. I nurture it like a baby sapling that needs constant watering. And I watch it grown. And I hold it close to me, letting none of it escape my greedy hands. And I sin. Money is a huge sin in my life that I have, I hate to admit, no desire to let go of. I often feel God trying to chip away and that sin and I turn to Him and say, "No thanks, God. I'm going to keep this alllll for me, thank you very much!" And then I ignore the voice inside my heart and move on. And that is where I am at. In theory, I know that this is wrong. Heck, in reality I totally understand that this is blatant, obvious, seriously hard-core sin. I see it. I recognize it. And I just can't bring myself to change. The idea terrifies me. The idea of completely trusting God with money is humungous. God can have my heart. He can have my spirit. He can have my voice. But my money? My livelihood? My gateway to food, to shopping, to all earthly goods? Heck no. Stay away! In theory I understand that God will reward me greatly with my trust and my complete release of control. In theory I get that God's plan for me is so much more amazing than any plan that I could ever create or buy for myself. That the freedom of letting God take control of my life is worth more than any amount of money that I can build up in my bank account. Sure. I get it. In theory. Obviously, I've got some serious work to do in this department. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.
Mo money, mo problems! Seriously!
ReplyDeleteI laughed to myself reading this whole post because money is a HUGE sin issue for me, too. Unlike yourself, though, it is not a problem because I have too much of it. :)
Molly, you are sometimes SO hard on yourself. I know this is an area of struggle and one that you'd like to see God grow you in, but take heart- He will show you your heart and sin. God isn't going to forsake you in this; He will cause you (and me, too!) to love Him so much more than money or anything money can buy... one day.
I also think about money far too often. I am ALWAYS looking for things to buy and what I want to spend money on next. Joel never has to guess at what I want, because I literally have a running list of things to spend money on. I like the privilege of owning things and being comfortable. It has been a problem for me since I got my very first job. I grew up poor and never felt like I had anything special, so buying things became a way for me to feel like I could be accepted (one of many foolish, dangerous and unhealthy things I used to try to make myself feel better).
Anyway, since becoming a Christian, I am sad to say this hasn't changed much. It's deeply rooted in my dark heart. I go through seasons where all I want to is give money away (which is clearly the Spirit working in me, because I am the most selfish person, ever) and other times when I don't give at all. Joel happens to know what a struggle this is for me, so he usually makes the call and we pray about my heart so that I can give cheerfully (2 Corinthians 9:7).
Joel has told me to not do things out of guilt, because guilt does not cause real change, but only action. Maybe try to think of that when you think of giving and see what happens.
Also, I just want to say that I am loving your blog and it is an honor to read your thoughts. If you want me to stop leaving such ridiculously long comments, please say so!