I have a dirty little secret. It's my hidden shame, the not-so-little piece of darkness that I keep hidden within myself. Actually, two. Two little secrets that eat away at my soul and crush me, brick my brick, until I am weak with fatigue and helpless to fight back.
Fortunately, at these times of weakness, God is a merciful god and steps in next to me, sliding a few bricks back into place, giving me time to rebuild my strength and my walls. God is an amazing God. And yet, I have my dirty little secrets: sin, and doubt. Sin and doubt are the twin brothers that live within my soul, that I can never quite banish. I fight against them, but they weaken me and leave me vulnerable to the infiltration of more sin and doubt.
"You of little faith," [Jesus] said, "why did you doubt?"
Doubt has got to be the most powerful tool in Satan's toolbox. Even the most devout of Christian's can be weakened by doubt. And as soon as doubt creates that wedge, sin slithers right in. And once they're both in, they play off of each other and gather strength as if they are on steroids. And unfortunately, their "things" don't shrink as a side effect. Bummer. And I give more strength to them by keeping my doubt and my sin hidden. I am ashamed of them and instead of putting them in the light, weakening them by asking for help, I let them stay hidden in my heart, constantly building themselves up and battering away at my heart and my spirit, weakening my resolve. Leaving less and less room for the Spirit to work.
I just want to remind you: Molly, Jesus loves you more than you can or will ever know/understand. He loves you despite your doubt and despite your sin. He chose the Cross knowing you, your sins and your heart, but chose it anyway. There is nothing you can do to lessen or diminish His love for you. Even when you sin, even when you doubt- you are fully loved, fully accepted and fully saved by God's grace and Jesus' dying on the Cross.
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