Control Freak

I've mentioned a couple of times that I am a control freak. And it is so, so true. It's something that I really struggle with. I hear other Christians talking about what a relief it is to know that God is in complete control of their life and how awesome it felt to let go of control. Ummmmm. Seriously? Okay, I take great comfort in the fact that God is watching over for me and has a perfect plan for me. But the actual act of physically handing the reins of my life over? Yeah that's not comforting. That's utterly and completely terrifying! What if He messes things up? What if it's not exactly what I imagined my life being? Fortunately, by the time I get to those thoughts, God usually gives me that skeptical eye--one eye squinty, eyebrow raised and says, "Really? You really think that you can do better than me? Ha!" And with that comes the absolute knowledge that yes, God does have a perfect plan for me. And yeah, it's really hard to hand over control but in the end, I know that it will be so, so worth it. My past has taught me that. When I try to take control, when I attempt to hold the reins all by myself...well my hands get chapped and my shoulders start to hurt. Alright, I think that that's enough metaphor for the day. Speaking frankly, I suck at running my own life. I get stressed, and frustrated, and just plum tired. And at those times, I am so happy to pass over my control and let God do what He will. But for some reason, every time my life starts going the way that I think God intends it to, I get scared. And I steal all the control back. And I tell myself, hey, you can do this. You can be in charge. The Big Guy can just watch over you, He doesn't really need to run the show. And so I try to be in charge. And I fail. And God, showing way more patience with me than I could even dream of possessing, steps in and makes things right. He fixes my heart and shoves me back in the direction of the cross. If I had a beer right now (which I don't because I'm sitting in class and I'm underage), I would raise a toast to the Big Guy. He's pretty awesome, what with His perfect plan, His amazing patience, His beautiful grace, and the fact that He's willing to take a sinner and mold her into something so much more.

And yeah, I'm working on that control thing. It's a toughie. Believe it or not, I've come a long way in the last few years. I've moved past the denial stage, which I consider a big step!