Forgiveness

Forgiveness has been an issue for me for basically forever. Lately, it has become an even bigger issues because I have been forced to reevaluate my thoughts on forgiveness through the lens of the Bible. I'm not a forgiver. I don't do it graciously or easily. I do okay with the little things-when I accidentally hurt someone's feelings or forget to take out the trash or even when I intentionally sin against another person in minor ways (like being mean on purpose or something like that). With things like that, I actually consider myself to be pretty decent at asking for forgiveness and talking it out if needed. It's the big things that get me. The times when I have been hurt and need to forgive, and ask for forgiveness. Boy has God been working me on this one though. He's really been chipping away at me and it hurts. On the one hand I'm super grateful that God is willing to mold me and that He hasn't totally given up on me yet. On the other hand, I would please like for it to hurt less and maybe could we talk about this a few years from now? Apparently the answer to the latter hand is a resounding NO because He seems to be bringing it up every chance possible. Mostly through Laura, my Bible verses, and KLOVE (yes, I do believe that God talks to me through my radio, call my crazy if you so desire). Lately, I have really felt my heart moving towards forgiveness. I have started to comprehend more and more how utterly amazing Jesus was to give His life for me in atonement for my sins so that I may enjoy eternal life with Him. And yet, here I am, with essentially nothing to lose except my pride, and I can't extend a little forgiveness? I am so grateful that asking for and extending forgiveness has been easier to swallow the last few weeks. This is something that I have struggled with for my entire life, so that fact that God is shoving my heart in the right direction, one painful inch at a time, with slightly less resistance from me, is BIG NEWS. 

One place that I am still really struggling though, is the vulnerability. Asking for someone's forgiveness (not that I have much personal experience) means that you are opening yourself up to them. You are displaying your sin on a platter for them to analyze and they have the right to turn you down. They have to right to say "Yep, you're a sinner and you're a bad, bad person, and I refuse to forgive you." And I will still have to hold my platter of sin out in front of them and accept that they're right, I have sinned against them and that was wrong and that what I have done can't be undone and they have the right to withhold their forgiveness. More importantly, if they do forgive me, they have the right to bring it up again later and say, "Hey you, you're sinning again, cut it out-I've forgiven you once already for this..." Not that I resent someone calling me out on my sin; believe me, I often need it and I respect anyone that does it because it shows the depth of their love for me. But that doesn't make it any less painful.

 Long story short: I'm scared of asking for forgiveness and then having my every action, my every thought, my every sin and transgression picked through and analyzed for years to come. And yet I understand that asking for forgiveness comes without strings. Asking for forgiveness comes with a true understanding that I have done wrong. Asking for forgiveness means a willingness to hold my heart out to another person and ask them to look inside and see a genuine apology. Holding my heart out, stringless, to another person is a scary concept for me. I like to stay very, very safe. Trusting another person can be very, very dangerous. Plus, an equally difficult issue, I have to take into consideration that asking for another person's forgiveness means a willingness to extend equal or greater forgiveness back to them. Being willing to forgive and move on. Allowing for a clean slate. Forgiving others is something that I really don't tend do easily. I much prefer to nurture my anger and hold it close to my heart and feed it little pinched of bitterness and resentment every now and again to keep it strong.

I certainly realize that my heart, in terms of giving and offering forgiveness, is in pretty rough territory right now. I'm working on it. I'm not going to lie and say that it's been easy. And I'm not going to pretend that I'm 100% willing to make a change right now. I understand that I am wrong, and that I have so much room to grow in this area. And really, I'm trying. I'm trying to forgive. I'm praying for God to help me let go of my anger and bitterness and resentment. I'm praying for God to help me eradicate my pride so that I may ask for forgiveness without any strings and a genuinely contrite heart. It's not easy, and I'm not convinced that it'll ever be easy for me. But hey, practice makes perfect, right?