I've mentioned a couple of times that I am a control freak. And it is so, so true. It's something that I really struggle with. I hear other Christians talking about what a relief it is to know that God is in complete control of their life and how awesome it felt to let go of control. Ummmmm. Seriously? Okay, I take great comfort in the fact that God is watching over for me and has a perfect plan for me. But the actual act of physically handing the reins of my life over? Yeah that's not comforting. That's utterly and completely terrifying! What if He messes things up? What if it's not exactly what I imagined my life being? Fortunately, by the time I get to those thoughts, God usually gives me that skeptical eye--one eye squinty, eyebrow raised and says, "Really? You really think that you can do better than me? Ha!" And with that comes the absolute knowledge that yes, God does have a perfect plan for me. And yeah, it's really hard to hand over control but in the end, I know that it will be so, so worth it. My past has taught me that. When I try to take control, when I attempt to hold the reins all by myself...well my hands get chapped and my shoulders start to hurt. Alright, I think that that's enough metaphor for the day. Speaking frankly, I suck at running my own life. I get stressed, and frustrated, and just plum tired. And at those times, I am so happy to pass over my control and let God do what He will. But for some reason, every time my life starts going the way that I think God intends it to, I get scared. And I steal all the control back. And I tell myself, hey, you can do this. You can be in charge. The Big Guy can just watch over you, He doesn't really need to run the show. And so I try to be in charge. And I fail. And God, showing way more patience with me than I could even dream of possessing, steps in and makes things right. He fixes my heart and shoves me back in the direction of the cross. If I had a beer right now (which I don't because I'm sitting in class and I'm underage), I would raise a toast to the Big Guy. He's pretty awesome, what with His perfect plan, His amazing patience, His beautiful grace, and the fact that He's willing to take a sinner and mold her into something so much more.
And yeah, I'm working on that control thing. It's a toughie. Believe it or not, I've come a long way in the last few years. I've moved past the denial stage, which I consider a big step!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
More Thoughts
(I need to come up with more creative post titles. Maybe I'll start using a keyword and a number!)
So I have thought more about how I feel about having real people out there, my real friends, reading what I am writing. At first, I was...mortified. To put it lightly. Seriously, crazy, wild with embarrassment. But now that I have slept on it, I'm really glad. Here's why: You are the people that I count on to hold me accountable as a Christian, especially you, Miss W. And if I can't be honest with you, if you have no idea what I am thinking and what I am truly struggling with, battling over, and worrying about, then how could I possibly expect you to do that? I count on others to see the places that I am failing because oftentimes, I'm too close to see the flaws myself. What's the saying? You can't see the trees through the forest? That might be backwards! Regardless, you get the point. I have not been intentionally keeping this blog, and my thoughts, a secret, but I have been shielding myself. I haven't been willing to share the things that I am really struggling with for fear of judgement. But the fact of the matter is that you guys are my sisters and I desperately need you. So I'm happy that you're out there somewhere.
Much Love.
So I have thought more about how I feel about having real people out there, my real friends, reading what I am writing. At first, I was...mortified. To put it lightly. Seriously, crazy, wild with embarrassment. But now that I have slept on it, I'm really glad. Here's why: You are the people that I count on to hold me accountable as a Christian, especially you, Miss W. And if I can't be honest with you, if you have no idea what I am thinking and what I am truly struggling with, battling over, and worrying about, then how could I possibly expect you to do that? I count on others to see the places that I am failing because oftentimes, I'm too close to see the flaws myself. What's the saying? You can't see the trees through the forest? That might be backwards! Regardless, you get the point. I have not been intentionally keeping this blog, and my thoughts, a secret, but I have been shielding myself. I haven't been willing to share the things that I am really struggling with for fear of judgement. But the fact of the matter is that you guys are my sisters and I desperately need you. So I'm happy that you're out there somewhere.
Much Love.
Readers
Ahh my readers. Alas, I have found you! Some of my dear, dear friends are out there reading what I have to say. And I don't know how I feel about that. Here's what I'm thinking so far:
I'm embarrassed about some of the things that I have said. But as I sat at work thinking about it, I ask myself why? Am I ashamed that I am a Christian? Absolutely not. Am I ashamed that sometimes I don't think exactly the way that other Christians think? Absolutely not. Am I ashamed that I have kept parts of myself hidden? Yes. As a Christian, I find myself most often withholding my beliefs from fellow Christians, not from the doubters and haters out there. From my friends. And I need to be done with that. So I will continue to write as if I am writing to myself, but I welcome anyone to comment!
Right now, that's as far as I have gotten. So this I promise to myself: I will continue to be myself. I will say (write) what I am thinking and I will accept that I could be wrong, I could be judged, and I could, and probably will, be questioned. But I will be honest, because it's what I need and because it's what I believe God is calling me to do.
I'm embarrassed about some of the things that I have said. But as I sat at work thinking about it, I ask myself why? Am I ashamed that I am a Christian? Absolutely not. Am I ashamed that sometimes I don't think exactly the way that other Christians think? Absolutely not. Am I ashamed that I have kept parts of myself hidden? Yes. As a Christian, I find myself most often withholding my beliefs from fellow Christians, not from the doubters and haters out there. From my friends. And I need to be done with that. So I will continue to write as if I am writing to myself, but I welcome anyone to comment!
Right now, that's as far as I have gotten. So this I promise to myself: I will continue to be myself. I will say (write) what I am thinking and I will accept that I could be wrong, I could be judged, and I could, and probably will, be questioned. But I will be honest, because it's what I need and because it's what I believe God is calling me to do.
Daydreams
I just checked out my stats and apparently someone other than me has been reading my blog. I'm stunned. Seriously. Not that I don't want to share the Word and my relationship with God, believe me, I do. But I never expected other people to read my ramblings.
Anyways, I have been struggling lately with control. In my head, I know that I need to relinquish control of my life over to my God, but what does that really look like? Does that mean I don't make any decisions myself? Absolutely not, God gave me a brain, a reasonably intelligent one at that, and it would be a shame not to use it. So what does giving up control mean? I think for me, it means stop daydreaming. I am a writer, and I spend the bulk of my "writing time" writing out my own future. I sit and daydream about what I want my life to look like and where I want to be in five years. Making goals is one thing, creating my future is another. I have goals--goals that I have every intention of seeing come to fruition. But I think that creating my fantasies, which is really what they are, is where I need to change. In creating fantasies, I am acting as if my version of the future is what is best for me. Sure, it's what I desire, but it's not what is best for me. And honestly, looking back, this has been the greatest source of disappointment in my life. I create this beautiful picture in my head of what I want my life to look like, this amazing romance, perfect job, great situation, etc. and when it doesn't turn out exactly they way I envisioned, I am really disappointed. Like crushed, disappointed. But really, was there anything wrong with what actually happened? No, absolutely not. Most times, looking back, it's turned out better than I ever could have imagined myself, and yet I am disappointed. What an insult to God's amazing and perfect plan that is. So that's my goal: less daydreaming. Or, at the very least, day dream about my characters rather than my own self. At least then I'd be doing something productive.
Hey--if you're out there reading this, leave me a comment. I'd love to hear from you and about your faith, even (especially) if you feel something differently than me. (:
Anyways, I have been struggling lately with control. In my head, I know that I need to relinquish control of my life over to my God, but what does that really look like? Does that mean I don't make any decisions myself? Absolutely not, God gave me a brain, a reasonably intelligent one at that, and it would be a shame not to use it. So what does giving up control mean? I think for me, it means stop daydreaming. I am a writer, and I spend the bulk of my "writing time" writing out my own future. I sit and daydream about what I want my life to look like and where I want to be in five years. Making goals is one thing, creating my future is another. I have goals--goals that I have every intention of seeing come to fruition. But I think that creating my fantasies, which is really what they are, is where I need to change. In creating fantasies, I am acting as if my version of the future is what is best for me. Sure, it's what I desire, but it's not what is best for me. And honestly, looking back, this has been the greatest source of disappointment in my life. I create this beautiful picture in my head of what I want my life to look like, this amazing romance, perfect job, great situation, etc. and when it doesn't turn out exactly they way I envisioned, I am really disappointed. Like crushed, disappointed. But really, was there anything wrong with what actually happened? No, absolutely not. Most times, looking back, it's turned out better than I ever could have imagined myself, and yet I am disappointed. What an insult to God's amazing and perfect plan that is. So that's my goal: less daydreaming. Or, at the very least, day dream about my characters rather than my own self. At least then I'd be doing something productive.
Hey--if you're out there reading this, leave me a comment. I'd love to hear from you and about your faith, even (especially) if you feel something differently than me. (:
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Money Money Money!
Malachi 3:10 states this: "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it"
As a single working girl, I have, not gonna lie, quite a bit of money saved up. And often, this leaves me in a difficult position. I have worked hard for my money and it is mine. Mine, mine, mine. Growing up, we always had just enough. That may not sound like a big deal, but it really was. I became aware of money at a really young age, probably too young, and that awareness rings strong within me. Money is important. I live in a capitalistic society and money is the only bargaining chip that I possess. So I cling to it. I take comfort in checking my bank account. I nurture it like a baby sapling that needs constant watering. And I watch it grown. And I hold it close to me, letting none of it escape my greedy hands. And I sin. Money is a huge sin in my life that I have, I hate to admit, no desire to let go of. I often feel God trying to chip away and that sin and I turn to Him and say, "No thanks, God. I'm going to keep this alllll for me, thank you very much!" And then I ignore the voice inside my heart and move on. And that is where I am at. In theory, I know that this is wrong. Heck, in reality I totally understand that this is blatant, obvious, seriously hard-core sin. I see it. I recognize it. And I just can't bring myself to change. The idea terrifies me. The idea of completely trusting God with money is humungous. God can have my heart. He can have my spirit. He can have my voice. But my money? My livelihood? My gateway to food, to shopping, to all earthly goods? Heck no. Stay away! In theory I understand that God will reward me greatly with my trust and my complete release of control. In theory I get that God's plan for me is so much more amazing than any plan that I could ever create or buy for myself. That the freedom of letting God take control of my life is worth more than any amount of money that I can build up in my bank account. Sure. I get it. In theory. Obviously, I've got some serious work to do in this department. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.
As a single working girl, I have, not gonna lie, quite a bit of money saved up. And often, this leaves me in a difficult position. I have worked hard for my money and it is mine. Mine, mine, mine. Growing up, we always had just enough. That may not sound like a big deal, but it really was. I became aware of money at a really young age, probably too young, and that awareness rings strong within me. Money is important. I live in a capitalistic society and money is the only bargaining chip that I possess. So I cling to it. I take comfort in checking my bank account. I nurture it like a baby sapling that needs constant watering. And I watch it grown. And I hold it close to me, letting none of it escape my greedy hands. And I sin. Money is a huge sin in my life that I have, I hate to admit, no desire to let go of. I often feel God trying to chip away and that sin and I turn to Him and say, "No thanks, God. I'm going to keep this alllll for me, thank you very much!" And then I ignore the voice inside my heart and move on. And that is where I am at. In theory, I know that this is wrong. Heck, in reality I totally understand that this is blatant, obvious, seriously hard-core sin. I see it. I recognize it. And I just can't bring myself to change. The idea terrifies me. The idea of completely trusting God with money is humungous. God can have my heart. He can have my spirit. He can have my voice. But my money? My livelihood? My gateway to food, to shopping, to all earthly goods? Heck no. Stay away! In theory I understand that God will reward me greatly with my trust and my complete release of control. In theory I get that God's plan for me is so much more amazing than any plan that I could ever create or buy for myself. That the freedom of letting God take control of my life is worth more than any amount of money that I can build up in my bank account. Sure. I get it. In theory. Obviously, I've got some serious work to do in this department. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.
Hatred
Hatred is so prevalent in America. We hide it from ourselves and from our peers, but it's there. It's in our hearts, and our attitudes, it's in the way that we treat others. Confusion often leads to hatred, and that's something that I understand. But it's not my job to hate. It's my job to love. Even the things that I question and don't understand and am insecure about, I am called to love. This includes homosexuality. This includes atheists. This includes obnoxious people that drive me totally bonkers. I am called to love each and every one of them and leave any necessary judgement to God.
I told a friend once that I am so grateful that I am not called to judge, because that is a hefty responsibility, one that I would hate to have resting upon my shoulders. And yet, I'm so quick to do it. I'm so quick to look at a girl's outfit and label her promiscuous. I am so quick to talk to a person and label them stupid, or annoying, or evil, or cocky. I am so quick! I told my sister once that making judgements isn't wrong, it's being unwilling to let go of your initial impression that's bad; that making judgements is human nature. But I was wrong. Judgement is a habit, just like lying, just like pride, just like vanity. It's a habit and it's a sin that needs to be broken. I judge. I wish I didn't, but I do. I catch myself doing it constantly. So lately I've been thinking about how to break this pattern. And I've come upon a few answers. Prayer. And practice. Isn't that the answer to nearly everything? Prayer--breaking my heart open for God to see my selfishness and my insecurity and my sin. Being willing to admit that I need help and guidance and maybe even punishment. And then practice. Recognizing the sin when I commit it and actively replacing it with a compliment. I have decided that every time I judge someone in my mind, I want to turn that around by complimenting them, a genuine compliment, that I say to their face. I'm not sure if this will help, but I hope it will. Practice makes perfect, right? And if I actively practice finding the good in people, I hope that I can remove at least some of the judgement.
However, it does lead me to wonder where all of this judgment and hatred comes from. And I think that it goes back to my own insecurities. I am so insecure. I sometimes find myself bitterly resenting my family because I fall so short of where they stand. I am not successful. I am not driven. I am not brilliant. I am not dedicated to giving back. I am not rich, not "the boss," not a doctor, not anything. It's times like this, though, that I thank the Lord that He doesn't look at successes to measure who I am. By some crazy miracle (aka the awesome grace of God) He picked me! If it were my choice, I'd be the last I'd choose because I am a sinner. I am constantly sucked into Satan's trap and I find myself letting go, giving in, and letting sin sneak into my heart. And yet, here I am. Struck dumb by the Grace of God. So in return for this precious gift, this amazing awesomeness, I will try to spread the love and eliminate the hatred. Wish me luck!
I told a friend once that I am so grateful that I am not called to judge, because that is a hefty responsibility, one that I would hate to have resting upon my shoulders. And yet, I'm so quick to do it. I'm so quick to look at a girl's outfit and label her promiscuous. I am so quick to talk to a person and label them stupid, or annoying, or evil, or cocky. I am so quick! I told my sister once that making judgements isn't wrong, it's being unwilling to let go of your initial impression that's bad; that making judgements is human nature. But I was wrong. Judgement is a habit, just like lying, just like pride, just like vanity. It's a habit and it's a sin that needs to be broken. I judge. I wish I didn't, but I do. I catch myself doing it constantly. So lately I've been thinking about how to break this pattern. And I've come upon a few answers. Prayer. And practice. Isn't that the answer to nearly everything? Prayer--breaking my heart open for God to see my selfishness and my insecurity and my sin. Being willing to admit that I need help and guidance and maybe even punishment. And then practice. Recognizing the sin when I commit it and actively replacing it with a compliment. I have decided that every time I judge someone in my mind, I want to turn that around by complimenting them, a genuine compliment, that I say to their face. I'm not sure if this will help, but I hope it will. Practice makes perfect, right? And if I actively practice finding the good in people, I hope that I can remove at least some of the judgement.
However, it does lead me to wonder where all of this judgment and hatred comes from. And I think that it goes back to my own insecurities. I am so insecure. I sometimes find myself bitterly resenting my family because I fall so short of where they stand. I am not successful. I am not driven. I am not brilliant. I am not dedicated to giving back. I am not rich, not "the boss," not a doctor, not anything. It's times like this, though, that I thank the Lord that He doesn't look at successes to measure who I am. By some crazy miracle (aka the awesome grace of God) He picked me! If it were my choice, I'd be the last I'd choose because I am a sinner. I am constantly sucked into Satan's trap and I find myself letting go, giving in, and letting sin sneak into my heart. And yet, here I am. Struck dumb by the Grace of God. So in return for this precious gift, this amazing awesomeness, I will try to spread the love and eliminate the hatred. Wish me luck!
Dirty Little Secret
I have a dirty little secret. It's my hidden shame, the not-so-little piece of darkness that I keep hidden within myself. Actually, two. Two little secrets that eat away at my soul and crush me, brick my brick, until I am weak with fatigue and helpless to fight back.
Fortunately, at these times of weakness, God is a merciful god and steps in next to me, sliding a few bricks back into place, giving me time to rebuild my strength and my walls. God is an amazing God. And yet, I have my dirty little secrets: sin, and doubt. Sin and doubt are the twin brothers that live within my soul, that I can never quite banish. I fight against them, but they weaken me and leave me vulnerable to the infiltration of more sin and doubt.
"You of little faith," [Jesus] said, "why did you doubt?"
Doubt has got to be the most powerful tool in Satan's toolbox. Even the most devout of Christian's can be weakened by doubt. And as soon as doubt creates that wedge, sin slithers right in. And once they're both in, they play off of each other and gather strength as if they are on steroids. And unfortunately, their "things" don't shrink as a side effect. Bummer. And I give more strength to them by keeping my doubt and my sin hidden. I am ashamed of them and instead of putting them in the light, weakening them by asking for help, I let them stay hidden in my heart, constantly building themselves up and battering away at my heart and my spirit, weakening my resolve. Leaving less and less room for the Spirit to work.
Fortunately, at these times of weakness, God is a merciful god and steps in next to me, sliding a few bricks back into place, giving me time to rebuild my strength and my walls. God is an amazing God. And yet, I have my dirty little secrets: sin, and doubt. Sin and doubt are the twin brothers that live within my soul, that I can never quite banish. I fight against them, but they weaken me and leave me vulnerable to the infiltration of more sin and doubt.
"You of little faith," [Jesus] said, "why did you doubt?"
Doubt has got to be the most powerful tool in Satan's toolbox. Even the most devout of Christian's can be weakened by doubt. And as soon as doubt creates that wedge, sin slithers right in. And once they're both in, they play off of each other and gather strength as if they are on steroids. And unfortunately, their "things" don't shrink as a side effect. Bummer. And I give more strength to them by keeping my doubt and my sin hidden. I am ashamed of them and instead of putting them in the light, weakening them by asking for help, I let them stay hidden in my heart, constantly building themselves up and battering away at my heart and my spirit, weakening my resolve. Leaving less and less room for the Spirit to work.
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