A Tangled Mess

Disclaimer: I'm struggling with how to articulate my feelings right now, so bear with me. I apologize in advance. I've also realized that I've started to hold back a part of myself on this blog. I'm not okay with that. The purpose of this blog is for me: an outlet for my feelings, my thoughts, and my prayers. Thus, I'm going to stop doing that. End disclaimer.

I am not a happy person. That doesn't mean unhappy. Unhappiness is, in fact, the opposite of happy. I'm simply...not-happy. Before I became a Christian, the most salient part of my personality that I remember is anger. Oh man was I angry. I'm sure that some of it was prepubescent, teenage angst type anger. But much of it was me. I fought often. I hurt deeply. I had a unmercifully short temper. Since becoming a Christian, and since maturing some, I've mellowed significantly. I truly believe that prayer has grown my patience immeasurably. What I'm trying to say, though, is that the absence of happiness doesn't upset me. I view it more as an even keel. I laugh, I smile, and I have no trouble feeling joyful. But I don't consider happiness to be an essential part of my person. There is, however, a downside. The not-happy touches perilously closely to adrift.

I'm not sure what causes it, where the trigger lies, but sometimes I fall adrift. All of the sudden, there is a tangible separateness between myself and the rest of the world, like looking through a window. I can see everything clearly, but the sounds are a little muffled and I am aware that there is a barrier there. Sometimes this lasts for a few moments...sometimes a few days...and worse yet, a few weeks or months. I've been adrift for awhile now. There are two things that scare me about being adrift: 1) I feel further than ever from God and 2) adrift is one small step from emptiness. Thinking about it, those might in fact be the same thing. 

I don't talk about it often (read: never) but as a sophomore in college, I struggled with depression. Nothing terrible, aside from the suicidal thoughts. I felt so empty. Not only was there a window between me and the rest of the world, but the window was blacked out. I knew the world was right there but I couldn't see it, I couldn't hear it, I didn't know how to get there. In fact, the only thing that kept me connected to the world in any way was my desperate desire to seem connected, to hide everything. Eventually, those attempts to seem normal morphed into a new type of normal. Even better, I discovered the power of prayer and the wealth of God's love.

My pastor shared a wonderful analogy that I think is oh, so fitting for me. He said that God is always with us, right there beside us but sometimes, we humans turn. It might be a small shift or a full revolution but all of the sudden we can't see Him anymore. He's still there, but turning has blocked our view. I think that that is beautiful. In the back of my mind, I know that He's still there. All I have to do is turn. Turn back around. Shuffle my feet a little and I'll see Him again. For the past few weeks, I've been turned a little sideways, but I'm ready to turn back. And I take some measure of peace in the thought that even if I can't turn back right away, or it takes more than a few steps to get there, He's still there. Right on the other side of my shoulder. God doesn't give up on us; we give up on us. If that doesn't prove that our God is a wonderful God, I sure as hell don't know what does. I don't understand that kind of love, but I give thanks for it everyday.

Psalm 42 has recently resonated with me in a major way.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

⁸ By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? God's only one small step away. 

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Okay first of all, I just think this is hilarious. I can't not laugh whenever I see it. Secondly, it reminds me of hearing stories about how my oh, so loving siblings convinced me that I was from the frozen food aisle in the grocery store when I was little. Which in turn reminds me of when Noah was so flipping adamant that Bella was from the grocery stores. Oh the things we tell our siblings. Or genuinely think about our siblings!

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Pinsanity

Pinsanity (n) pin·san·i·ty, /pinsanitē/: the craziness that overtakes a person when she starts looking towards the future and suddenly feels the need to pin a freakish amount of items that she could potentially appreciate having in her future apartment. Some of these pins include: 

I think this is so charming. They have a quail one too that I adore.

I would love to do this and add pins for where my family and friends are...or do a world map and pin the places that I have been! If you can't tell, I have a thing for maps...which is interesting because I am severely geographically challenged

Okay. I have a whole board dedicated to organization solutions. I love them. LOVE them.

Is anyone else digging all of the wooden pallet projects that are infiltrating Pinterest? I don't actually think they're that practical but I do love the way that they look. Seriously, though, can you imagine how difficult they would be to clean? Pallets are crazy obnoxious in real life. Then again, I think that a lot of Pinterest ideas verge towards the impractical.

Snowbowl Pictures

A friend of mine took these pictures of me for a school project (she's a photography major) and I really like the way that they turned out...very whimsical (:

Wordless Wednesday.

Amen, Sister. Amen.

the calm before the storm

These last few weeks have been intense. I've been so incredibly busy. School and work during the day and then work and/or meetings virtually every single night. Plus midterms mean tests, projects, stress, and some more stress. Big sigh of relief that all of that has passed. Now I am trying to soak in some clam before the storm hits again because, believe me, baby, it's gonna hit. And it's gonna hit hard. I'm already looking into the future and seeing more group projects that have yet to be started, essays that have yet to be thought about, tests that have yet to be studied for. This semester has been much more difficult for me than most. The content of my classes is no harder than before. In fact, in many ways, it's easier. The classes I am taking are mostly conceptual. They're not hard work mentally. I do, however, have a serious case of the Seniors. I am just plain tired. I try to give thanks for my education and I am so incredibly grateful that a) I have the opportunity to go to college, b) I am generally successful in college and c) I genuinely enjoy learning and attending school. This is harder some days than others. Or should I say years. I'm tired. I'm tired of school. The last few weeks in particular have honed in on exactly how close graduation is coming and I'm so ready for it. I have struggled to stay focused and interested in what I'm learning. Studying has become nearly impossible because I stay motivated. I have worked hard to have good grades thus far and I would like them to stay that way but I often find myself thinking, A 'B' will be fine. A 'C' even. So long as I pass, nothing else matters. I don't love that mentality. In my former youth group, we talked once about how God desires excellence from us. I love that God loves me unconditionally. That's one of my favorite things about the Big Guy, in fact. But, just as any loving Father would, He wants me to be all that I can. And I strongly desire to please God. It's difficult, but I'm trying. I am praying that these few weeks of calm will reignite my motivation and help me get some momentum coming. And if it doesn't...well lots more prayer will be in order! 

Awesome/Awkward #3

Awesome: Getting to talk to Rachel on the phone
Awkward: Getting into an argument :(

Awesome: Getting a promotion at work!
Even more awesome: My supervisor is announcing it at our staff meeting on Sunday
Awkward: I won't be at the staff meeting
Even more awkward: I thought that it was supposed to be confidential for a few more months! 

Awesome: Sam's coming home this weekend!
Awkward: He's coming in late Saturday night and staying through Wednesday...while I'm stuck in Flagstaff
Awesome: I talked to my professors and they're letting me skip class on Monday
Awkward: I totally used my brother's deployment to get out of class on Monday lol

Awkward: Having my professor ask me to stay after class
Even more awkward: Having to wait for-flipping-ever for him to finish up conversations with other students before he would talk to me
Most awkward of all: I had NO idea what was going on and was super nervous!
Awesome: I have the highest grade in his class out of both sections!
Back to awkward: Having to explain to my friends why the prof asked me to stay after class

Awesome: Going to a Halloween kickback at my friend's house
Awkward: I was the ONLY person there not involved in Greek life!
Even more awesome: Everyone was really nice and made sure that I felt totally welcome. It was super fun and my friend had made all kinds of Pinterest snacks that turned out awesome.

Awkward: Ashley not responding to my texts for a week
Even more awkward: Wracking my brain trying to figure out why she was upset with me!
Awesome: She was responding but for some reason the texts weren't coming through!
Super awkward: She couldn't figure out why I was having a weird, seemingly one-sided conversation with her that didn't mesh with her responses at all hahaha

Awesome: Getting the Blogger app for my phone
Awkward: It's super crappy.
Awesome: I still managed to put together a couple of posts
Ghetto: It didn't post any of them and now they're lost forever :( 

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Snowy Day

It's crazy, but we already had our first snow! It has since melted off but I was able to go to Snowbowl with a friend and snap a few pictures of the first snow fall. It was intensely beautiful. I wish that I had thought to bring a real camera with me...and also that I was better at taking pictures. But I figure something is better than nothing.

Photo Dump!

Okay...it's a weak photo dump! But hopefully I'll get better (:

Mojito Monday!

Flagstaff is SO confused about what the weather is supposed to be right now. This tree is green, yellow, and red...

Twilight is my Guilty Pleasure

So for some reason, whenever I'm extra stressed, I feel a strange urge (read: I CANNOT RESIST) watching and/or reading Twilight. The book is terrible. The movie's even worse. I 100% know and accept this. And yet I have watched the movie easily 15 times and read the book...probably twice that. Seriously, that's not an exaggeration. Rachel used to say all the time, "Again?!" but she'd sit down and watch with me, so it's okay. I try to tell myself that there are worse stress relievers. I could smoke or shoot up crack (is that a thing? I think so.) or...who knows what else. Relatively speaking, this isn't a bad guilty pleasure. But dang, it's so terrible. Which is why I'm watching it right now, while I study for my multiple exams tomorrow. Stress. Twilight. More stress.

Wordless Wednesday

Awesome/Awkward #2

Awesome: Doing a photoshoot with my friend Gina
Awkward: I had to get at at 5:30am for it.
Even more awkward: We took the pictures in the snow and I was wearing a sleeveless dress...it was SO cold that I couldn't stay still for more than 30 seconds at a time
Awesome: She gave me a sneak peek of the photos and they are amazing. She's so talented!

Awesome: Getting hit on by strangers.
Awkward: Getting hit on by strangers.

Awkward: Sleeping in late and almost missing class
Awesome: Getting an email right before class started saying it had been canceled!
Even More Awkward: I was already on the way to class.
Even More Awesome: I went and got breakfast instead!

Awesome: Getting to go home two weekends in a row
Awkward: I got so bored of driving that I started talking to myself in the car...without realizing it!

Awesome: Going to my cousin's wedding shower
Awkward: My uncle's ex-wife stirring up a slew of family drama
Even More Awkward: I accidentally started my own bit of family drama without realizing it!


Awkward: Zoning out in class
Even More Awkward: Being called out for it by my professor! 

Awkward: Writing a story for my creative writing class that I completely HATED. Seriously. It was awful. Really terrible.
Even More Awkward: Dreading workshop for a full week, knowing that my story was terrible.
Awesome: The class (prof included) actually loved it!
Still Awkward: I still hate it.

Awesome: Talking to Rachel, either via facebook, email, SnapChat, or Skype, everyday.
Awkward: Some of our messages randomly don't send due to my crappy internet here and her spotty internet there.

Awesome: Getting to work at the pool last weekend
Awkward: Having to explain to all of my guards that I wouldn't be coming back next summer
Not Sure if Awkward or Awesome: Everyone is working really hard trying to convince me to stay.

Yay...or not.

I was SO excited because I finally found a community group with my church that (I thought) worked with my schedule. I found the leader and I asked to join and it was going to be perfect--they eat dinner together and then sit and talk, either about something specific or what's happening in their lives. Doesn't that sound awesome? Well...apparently I did not look far enough ahead at my schedule because I work during the next 4 or 5 times that they meet! Bum deal. I am still going to persevere though! Last week I went to Newman Night with my friend and it was a surprisingly good time. It's hosted by the Catholic Church and there was a big group, about 50 people, and everyone had dinner together and then there was a talk. This time they brought in a nurse who has actually witnessed live abortions. She shared her stories, which were terrible sad and eye-opening. Overall, it was very interesting and I had a great time meeting people! Hopefully next month my work schedule will clear up a bit so that I can go to my new community group. If not, I'm on the hunt again!

My People

There are some people in my life that all I can do is simply thank God every day that they're there and do my absolute best to make sure they stay. The Reich family is that for me! I've known Laura for almost my entire lifetime and was lucky enough to gain Joe as a friend when they got married. Even luckier still, I have been able to welcome all five of their kids into the world and gained some more miniature friends!

 We're not very good at taking pictures together...but it's because we're always too busy having fun hanging out!

Wordless Wednesday

Okay...so I'm not actually going to go wordless. However! I have really fallen in love with all of the quotes on Pinterest and the cute/creative ways that people display them. So I am going to try and share one each week for a Wordless Wednesday that I either love or feel like exemplifies what's happening in my life at that point in time. I'm just so obsessed with them! I hope that y'all enjoy them as much as I do.