Changes

I was talking to the lovely Miss W the other day and I realized something amazing: I have changed! It's not often that I can look back at myself at a specific point in time and realize that my heart and/or attitude have grown in some significant way. In fact, it's happened like twice that I can think of. If this blog is good for nothing else, I am already grateful that it is giving me the opportunity to see the way the God is molding me.

Now, on to chronicling these changes! After talking to Whitney, I was inclined to go back and read my previous blog post about being single and realized that I wrote that post for a reason: I was unhappy with my single state and I was unhappy with my heart. My sisters read that post and they were inclined to discuss it with me, which gave me new things to think about and new things to pray over. And in just over a month, my attitude and outlook has been completely rewritten. I am not sure when it happened, but I am so, so glad that I became aware of it because I need these tangibles. I need the evidence that God is working with me because most of the time, I wouldn't blame Him one tiny bit if He decided to just start ignoring me. Here's where I am at now:

I still want to be married. I still desire a partner, someone that I can share my life with and someone that will challenge me as a person and a Christian. A man that will father my children. A husband that will teach me how to love and care for him and someone that I will teach how to love and care for me. I want that- and I really do believe that that is somewhere in my future. But right now, I am content. Rather than praying for a husband, I am praying about my husband. I pray that he is using this time to grow and mature. I pray that he is practicing at being a good man, because I know it isn't easy. I ask God to lighten his burdens and send people to help him when they become too heavy. I don't know who my dude is, but I know that he is out there and that this is the way that I can best care for him right now. I no longer beg for the guy to enter my life, because I recognize now that that's going to happen, ready or not, when God deems it time. I also spend a lot of time praying for myself (shocker, I'm selfish even in prayer!). I pray that God will continue to mold me so that when it is time for me to be married, my heart and spirit will be prepared for the emotional upheaval that will cause. I pray that God will aid me in eradicating my selfish desires and my self-centered thoughts, because those probably won't make marriage easy, and they're certainly making my current life much more difficult. I spend the bulk of my time, though, praying that God will use me in the way that He sees best now. That I can focus on the now and how I can be a servant to Him.

I've also realized what an amazing life I have right this very second. I'm sitting here, typing on my personal laptop, playing on facebook, and watching television. I have money in my bank account. I have no fear of diseases, or being shot, or walking around in the dark. I have a car outside on the driveway, and an amazing education under my belt. I have family- biological and spiritual, both of whom are amazing. I live in a place where I practice my religion freely and love my God openly. I have a God that satisfies my every need and want, and that calms my whimsy. I have a job that I am in love with and that challenges me and keeps me fit and tan (which my future husband will probably appreciate). I am, simply put, blessed. And I want to spend my time focusing on what I have, rather than what I want. God will satisfy my needs, in His own way, and in His own time. My time is better suited to taking care of the here and now and becoming the best person that I can be.

So that's where I am at. I'm far from perfect and typically not as content as I am right at this moment, but I no longer ache with want. I crave God, and God alone. Have no fear, though, I still have lots of other issues to be sorted through. The blog shall continue. I'm glad that I took the time to read back through my posts, though. Even though there's always something new to struggle and worry over, God seems to be movin' and shakin' in my life!